Commentator Crapola

There is an epidemic spreading across the land of the interwebs, a blight so unsightly and insidious that millions suffer from it daily without even knowing it. Am I talking about a virulent form of computer H1N1, you ask? Nah, nothing that scary, but it is an affliction that affects many and it goes by the name of Cantshutthefuckup-itis. (It's a real affliction, look it up.) It's symptoms include an inability to pass over an article without leaving a comment and a desperate need to get one up on the author.

The disease manifests itself in different ways, but here are a few of the symptoms as expressed by type.

The Grammarian

These are the 'flamers' that complain incessantly about small grammatical miscues and typos in the article. Most are so pissed you'd think they were reading the collected works of Proust instead of some two paragraph article posted by a college intern. Come on, everyone must know by now that most crap on the Web is written between the hours of 2am-4am and almost never has the benefit of a second edit (rarely even a first). Still, that doesn't stop morons from posting comments about stylistic choices that they've confused with hard and fast grammar rules. I came across one comment recently at the bottom of a computer software program review that typifies what I'm talking about. Enjoy.

". . .One would think that someone who writes for a living wouldn’t have to be told that “for free” is an improper use of the English language. The word “free” literally means “for nothing.” Thus, when you write “for free,” what you’re actually saying is “for for nothing.” The word “free” stands alone. It requires no modification. . . ."

Wow. Pretty lucid. And totally pointless. Within the context of the article, the sentence was perfectly fine and the broader ontological view of the writer was completely missed by the poster. I think the the thing that irks the most about the grammarian is that just because you can do something---here, speak English---doesn't mean that you are an expert at it. To give an example, sex. I'm sure that as a functioning gonad, the commentator has the mechanics of the act down, but the poetry? A much more elusive target. . .

The Proverbial Fucknut

A complete reliance on useless and inappropriate proverbs. How many times have we seen "may you live in interesting times" to highlight some justification for an argument or used by a desperate poster trying to be profound?

The thing that pisses off most is the incessant use of exclusively Chinese proverbs or those other linguistic atrocities committed by our greatest obese hypocrite, Ben Franklin.

Knowledge may be common for some, but who is to say that everyone is common?

Auto-Erotic Wanker

No. This isn't the grease monkey down at the local garage. This is the noodge that refers to himself when he posts, for example with the phrase, "As I have said before. . ." As if anyone was really paying attention! I hate to break the news, but people aren't running around saving the collected rants from someone who calls himself Luv2nips23.

When people start quoting themselves you know you're in for a deep dish of tasty bullshit, usually served with a steaming side of Chinese proverbs.

Wordsmith Wannbe

Comments longer than the post. So Kewl.

--------

Do I need one more? Maybe. Am I going to continue?

No, but I will leave you with these little nuggets. See how many you can spot the next time you're trolling through the comment section of your favorite site.

"something for everyone to consider. . ."

"think about it."

"look. . ."

If you feel so inclined, please add to the list.