Every Extended Extra

I worry for my Johnson, I really do.  

According to a recent TV advertisement that I caught last night on TV (lucky me!), I discovered I am not nearly as "big" enough nor as "large" enough, nor as "huge" enough as I need to be in order to satisfy women of the opposite sex. 

Based on the commercials, and by my own precise calculations, I estimate that my Van Damm is approximately 123% too small for my body. That's right. You heard me. My anaconda has the length and girth of a dandelion. 

But fear not Metabomonkey! There are millions of little pills out there ready and eager to help you in your time of need.  A quick peek on the internet scrolls past brand after brand from Viagra and Cialis to Extenze and Excyte. There is even a powerful new pill from Taiwan on the balck market dubbed, Dong-B-Long.

The news heartens me somewhat. Apparently, there are millions of men just like me out there with the same problem. To whit, the same three couples that always show up on the Extenze commercials.  Most are sleazy and quite lurid in their testimonials, which gives me some comfort, but I have to say that this couple scares me. 

  

It's like watching Herman Munster talk about ballistic-doinking with some unattractive Milf from Orange County. (Wait. That's EXACTLY what it is. . .)   

I always cringe at the end when he waxes Socratic with a rhetorical question, "The increase in size? Well, that's kinda fun too." Oh really? Are we supposed to take your word for it, the word of some forty-something struggling actor who can't afford to go to K-mart to buy himself a white undershirt so he doesn't look like such a blathering doosh?

It's it that moment that I long for the slutty hotties that usually inhabit the Extenze infomercial universe.  Like this girl, who unfortunately blinks a lot while trying to talk and be coy at the same time. (Apparently it's quite difficult.)

It always feels like she just took a money-shot right before the director yelled "Action!"   

Blink. Blink. "If Extenze doesn't make you larger---." Blink. Blink. 

"Dammit, Doug! Can't you wait until AFTER the take!"

Sigh. 

I long for the 80s, when the only Johnson we had to worry about was this one.