Jon & Kate They Aint

Reality shows bite. Seriously. They totally suck.

Of course, I havent always thought that way. There was a time a few months ago when I was totally into all of the hoopla, where I waited with baited breath for every Spiedi appearance on I'm A Has-Been. . .Get Me Out Of Here, and stayed up late into the night watching the mind-numbing Deadliest Catch (which should be renamed to Dull, Dirty and Dangerous).

I think it was the middle of American Choppers when I had a sudden awakening about the fundamentals of the entire genre. The scene went something like this:

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The guys are fixing a motorcycle. Paul Jr. asks Paul Sr. for a wrench. We see them work. Cut To Paul Jr standing in the garage .

Paul Jr: So I turn to my father and ask for a wrench. He gives me one.

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No shit sherlock. Didn't we just see that?

Now, I want to be perfectly clear. This is not a 'talent' issue---it has nothing to do with the guys on the show---but a production issue. The producers must think we are a bunch of r-tards if we can't figure out what just happened, let alone need to suffer through more lame commentary for another 45 minutes about the wrench. It makes you wonder, if the show isnt interesting enough to keep going for a full hour, shouldnt they start rethinking the subject matter?

In that vain, I have started formatting my life like a reality show. Now when I do something, I'll immediately turn to the person next to me and tell them exactly what I've just done. You should try is sometime. It makes you feel important and really annoys the crap out of everyone else.

That being said, I still watch reality TV, and while most of it bores me, there is still one show that makes me feel like this:

I love you Bear Grylls.

Qom and Get It

It's hard being a dictator these days, everyone seems to think they can just get all up in your grill and tell you off. . . .I didn't appoint myself leader to put up with this.

---Ayatollah Khamenei

[The following notes were taken from a napkin discarded by the Supreme Leader after a brunch at the fashionable Le Roi Est Mort restaurant in downtown Tehran last Friday.]

1.) No more group protests against the West.

Why did we do it? All of those years of shouting "Death to America!" has only encouraged people to protest. Dumb! Who could have guessed that they would change "Death to America" to "Death to Dictator"? We didn't see it coming. Those clever foreign news teams!

2.) No more motorcycles for the Basiji militia.

Militarily, rice burners are not that effective. I have seen this picture all too often this week.

Obviously the rider was pulled from his bike before being able to beat innocent bystanders in any meaningful way. Solution? Sidecar!

Combat Cow + Driver = Win!

Discuss with Ahme-whateverhisnameis-ajad over lunch Tuesday.

3.) Start our own social networking site.

Twitter is for dweebs. We need something where we can show oppression in a positive light. Like this:

Profile

Name: Spanky

Location: Iran

Hobbies: Taking hostages, denying the holocaust, killing fellow countrymen, blaming the West

Music: Eartha Kit, my own voice

TV shows: Anderson Cooper 360 (the talking midget fascinates me)

Job: President, (temp to hire)

Motto: Yes we can!. . .stomp out democracy.

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To all those in Iran, fight the good fight.

Chity On A Hill

Community. Who in the hell needs it?

I sure don't. Not in any sort of deep spiritual sense, anyway.

The reason I bring it up is because there has been a lot of lip service being paid about the need for greater community involvement. Americans have been bullied from the left and right in recent months to start sacrificing for the greater social good. From healthcare to jobs, the environment to morality, every social ill is being blamed on lack of community involvement.

All of this belly aching seems to me to be a campaign by the ruling classes to place their current failings squarely on the shoulders of the electorate. That's right. You heard me. All of this goody-goody take responsibility bit is just a backhanded way of abdicating any authority and responsibility for what has transpired over the last several years in the Republic. With a little pat on the back from Uncle Sam, we are now expected to lift our neighbors (and ourselves) up by the bootstraps to help make our country great again.

The idea is such a lovely little panacea, isn't it? If we all just help one another, if we all just give a little----which always becomes give a little MORE---the country will turn back the clock on pessimism and violence and fear inherent in all free societies and transform itself into some Epicurean Garden of logic and delight.

Formerly this used to only be the clarion call of the left. No longer. Conservative pundits (by no means strangers to community activism, to whit, church involvement) have been championing greater public community activism.

But do we really want to start thinking in collectivist ways? I mean, look whats its given us in the last 100 years: Bolshevism, Nazism, and Hippies. I mean seriously, the track record ain't good. And I am not just talking about rampant guitar playing, leather fringe and wafting pot smoke.

I think it was the old poet Bill VocabAppeal who warned "the world is too much with us." I tend to agree with him. Do we really want to start adding another layer of complexity to our lives? One that demands so much of us by forcing us to be our neighbors keeper?

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Ruminating for a bit, I have to wonder if all of this isn't just an outgrowth of our loss of the frontier. The personality of the West is gone, faded into the bleak sunset of LA style greed and San Fran style intellectualism. We are now ready to chuck the true uniqueness of the American experience, our rugged individualism, for some re-branded East Coast sentimentality about government and the social contract?

I suppose my bigger question is this: Do we now live in a world with no frontiers? Are we all just living in the same mediocre milieu of the coasts? Are we nothing more than mere residents of a polis?---Forced to stare at one another without ever having to look within?

God I hope not, cause when I peer into the slack jawed grins of those simians on the cities I become frightened at what grand social experiments they have in store for me.

Been A Long TIme!

It's been a long time

since I been rick rolled

been a long time, been a long time

been a long, lonely lonely time

--Led Zepplin

Yes, dear readers, it's been a while since I have jumped on "Teh Internets" and put PC to paper and made a post. I have been remiss. I have been lazy. I've been surfing too many celebrity gossip sites (Speidi anyone?). I have lost my way.

No Longer!

As I sit here at my computer, listening to the "uuuhhs and ahhhs and oohhs" of that lyrical mastermind Robert Plant, I vow to be just as eloquent. In the spirit of my Muse I have to say:

"unnh, ohh, aaaahh eggh, goooh ooohh uuuunnh ahhhhhhh. beep. poop."

Yeah, take that establishment!

Animal Farm

Orwell was right. The Animal Farm is trying to steal our souls. 

First it was the Avian flu.  Started by those devious chickens, passed onto like-minded migratory birds, the Avian Flu became the (mu)cause celebre of the CDC just a few years ago, spreading fear and a minor panic from China to Turkey. Every bird was suspect. People were killing chickens and foregoing the spicy Kung Pao. It almost got to the point where a bird dropping a load on the car was considered a death sentence, paint be damned.  

Now were are faced with another assault from the animal kingdom. This time it's the Swine Flu. Someone got a little to close to the little piggies down on the farm in Mexico (a suspected US owned company, no less) and now the world is in an uproar.  Pretty soon we'll be laying off the other white meat (Britany Spears) and be forced to start stewing the house pets. 

Hopefully, the collective wisdom of Science will get us out of this jam. 

If not, I'm moving to the sticks, someplace with a sordid history where people fear to tread, visitors are few and far between and the medical care is superb. 

I'm headin' to Neverland Ranch.